


and I will try to fix you

by jiunnie



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Abandonment, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Bonnie & Clyde, Alternate Universe - Criminals, Blood and Injury, Crimes & Criminals, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, On the Run, Organized Crime, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Relationship Problems, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 09:19:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6512500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiunnie/pseuds/jiunnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>jinwoo will be saved by seungyoon, but only if he isn’t destroyed by him first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and I will try to fix you

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo this was very heavily influenced by both troublemaker & bonnie&clyde, obviously. i'm doing good on my promise to destroy jinwoo & seungyoon.
> 
> (pls pls head warnings in tags. nothing too crazy but tw for everything)

 

_And in waiting, I came to understand--_

In the days that followed, Jinwoo has many chances to go back to the start. It's not that he passes each day sitting on the deck, the night vast and endless around him, staring at the horizon where Seungyoon's figure would show against the skyline. That he reserves for certain days, where he'd pull up Seungyoon's large coat and put it on, drowning in the thick fabric and the scent that Seungyoon left on everything. Then he watches the stars, thinking of seungyoon's fingers snug against his as he clasps his own hands together.

 

Usually, however, it’s just about living like there isn't a part of him missing out there somewhere. He forgets Seungyoon's smirk that sometimes crosses into a smile as he clears their wardrobe of Seungyoon’s remaining two pairs of black jeans and t-shirts stretched at the collars, stops drinking coffee after throwing out Seungyoon's coffee beans, gets lost in the licking flames as he burns Seungyoon’s stash of cigarettes outside.  

 

Standing on the edge of their trailer, in between the past and forgetting, Jinwoo isn’t sure if his vision is blurred by the smoke or something else entirely. _Come and stop me_ , he challenges, a knot painful in his throat and heavier in his chest, _it’s your cigarettes, your clothes, the precious coffee you ration out even to yourself--_

 

And Seungyoon would burst in through the back door, rattling the car as he slams it open, snatching Jinwoo’s hand painfully and hissing in Jinwoo’s ear, _what the fuck do you think you’re doing?_ , and Jinwoo won’t even have time to cry over how relieved he feels because he’d be too afraid, afraid of the way Seungyoon’s hand is tight around his throat with the barrel of his gun stabbing at his side, genuinely afraid at the way Seungyoon’s eyes are wild and livid and something else, so very scared of the way Seungyoon would force them both to toe the line between dying and free-falling.

 

 _Come and kill me_ , Jinwoo thinks over and over, his head throbbing. He squints his eyes shut. _You always kept me alive to kill me, so what’s stopping you now?_

 

  * -



 

_But for now, a memento from the past--_

He drinks in the nicotine-tinged exhale, pressing in so hard with his mouth as though he’s finally been rescued from drowning and is finally at the surface, each breath too much and yet not enough. The lack of air is making his head spin. The other boy is equally as needy, their kiss rough and messy around the edges.

 

Jinwoo groans as the boy pulls apart and latches his mouth to Jinwoo’s neck, sucking as he palms Jinwoo through his jeans. Jinwoo reaches around the boy to grip his shirt at the small of his back, pushing them closer together. He’s having trouble thinking straight and there’s nothing in his mind except for the way everything feels too much against his skin, a steady buzz increasing steadily at the back of his mind; the air is so thick he’s only able to take short, hitched breaths in between breathing in somebody else’s moans.

 

The boy suddenly reaches under Jinwoo’s shirt to dig his fingernails into the curve of Jinwoo’s hipbones, and all of a sudden Jinwoo is having difficulty breathing in a completely different way. The boy doesn’t realise--is too far gone to realise--and continues leaving marks along Jinwoo’s collarbones as he scratches hard at Jinwoo’s hip, so hard that his nails leaves a stinging trail in their wake. Something snaps, and Jinwoo doesn’t even realise when he wrenches himself free and punches the boy hard in the face. Everything is going light and his hands don’t even feel like his anymore; again and again he strikes at the person in front of him, whoever it is, the person deserves to be killed, the only thing he knows is to keep hitting out to stop the feeling of burning along his hip and midsection.

 

“--What the _fuck_ -? Stop-”

 

“Don’t,” Jinwoo heaves, landing a blow on the boy’s lip, “Touch. Me. Like That--” He swings out again, and the boy crumples against the wall, grabbing his own face and cursing muffledly.

 

By now they’ve attracted a crowd, but Jinwoo only feels the heat in his hands and the contact of knuckles on skin, over and over. _Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch--_

 

Dazedly, he’s pulled off the boy and kicked out the door, and even outside the lights spin all around him. The ground warps strangely, and before he knows it he’s collapsing into himself, dragging his knuckles across the rough gravel as he hyperventilates into his knees. There’s blood in his mouth and a sharp sting on his tongue. And between the pulsating strobe lights, he sees it all again: white fluorescent spots bright against the blackness of the ceiling, the floor cold against his spine, the restraints hot and tight around his wrists. Warm breathing a constant in his ear. And, through it all, white-hot pain across his abdomen as the blade does its job, dipping into him again and again. Blood in his mouth as he clamps his teeth on his tongue, on the side of his cheek, him clinging on to anything to take him away. _This is your payment, what you owe,_ _you know it--_ and all he can think is: _I will pay you back properly for this, I will, I promise,_ before everything erupts into chaos. Everything is running and everyone is falling over and something is flung so it cuts Jinwoo across the face, and before everything finally goes black it’s Seungyoon’s face, the very first time Jinwoo sees it and _so very beautiful_ , hovering over Jinwoo and hissing, _fuck, what the fuck..._

 

Now, Jinwoo stands up shakily. And slowly, he walks home, towards the only thing that’s ever kept him together.

 

He approaches their trailer home just as light breaks through the clouds. Stumbling against the front door, he fumbles with the lock, only to realise it’s broken. Pushing his way inside, he finds Seungyoon sprawled on the bed, hair fanning across his face and arm dangling off the edge. And finally, a sob wrenches free from Jinwoo’s throat.

 

“--Seungyoon--?” he gasps, head spinning. He doesn’t want to, but he’s going into another panic attack. Seungyoon springs up as though shot. Face scrunched up, it takes him a second to take in Jinwoo’s appearance. Something falls into place behind Seungyoon’s eyes, before he’s swinging his legs off the bed and closing the gap between them, wrapping Jinwoo in a hug.

 

It’s familiar, Jinwoo tries to tell himself, this is okay, this will be okay, but his head is hurting so much it’s taking him longer than usual to calm down. He anchors himself against the sturdy sensation of Seungyoon’s arms around him, using the rise and fall of Seungyoon’s shoulders to match his own breathing to his.

 

“Where were you,” Seungyoon grits out, gripping the back of Jinwoo’s dishevelled shirt in his fingers. “I fucking told you. To come home.”

 

Jinwoo nods numbly, the hardness in his chest dissolving slightly. He tries to look at Seungyoon, to whisper an apology, but Seungyoon separates from him to stare at him hard. Firmly, Seungyoon kisses him.

 

It’s always different with Seungyoon. Jinwoo inhales everything about him: his scent, prickly yet soft, his full, bruised lip, his slender neck and strong arms. Everything about Seungyoon, Jinwoo tries to remind himself is home now. The line separating dying to live and living to die quickly.

 

\--

 

Jinwoo runs his hand through his hair, scratching the back of his head while he's at it. It is a strange sensation. The strands squeak against his fingers, hair treatment still thick on them. It's strange to have his fingers thread through his hair with no resistance and Jinwoo can't stop touching it.

 

Seungyoon walks in, finally. His eyes land on Jinwoo.

 

"Wha-"

 

"...your hair."

 

"You like it?" Jinwoo beams. He thinks the stunned look on Seungyoon's face looks extremely pretty on him.

 

"You're blond," Seungyoon breathes, and then he's closing the gap between them in two strides and grabbing Jinwoo close. There is a certain tenderness in the way Seungyoon grips him hard, fingers digging into his upper arms, a certain unfamiliarity in how his eyes widen.

 

"You didn't tell me," Seungyoon says. He stares at the top of Jinwoo's head with a mix of wonder and, it almost seems, awe. Jinwoo can only stare back at the bridge of Seungyoon's nose. He can feel the heat of the outside afternoon radiating from Seungyoon. Somehow Seungyoon's chest is always warm, like his heart is a summer sea at storm underneath the cracked terrain of his skin lined with scars.  

 

"Do you like it?" Jinwoo presses, avoiding Seungyoon's eyes. There are some places in this world to which Jinwoo isn't allowed to venture without invitation.

 

Seungyoon presses Jinwoo's face into the hollow of his neck in reply.

 

"You're mine, you hear? Don't fucking even think of thinking otherwise."

 

Jinwoo feels the weight of Seungyoon's hand combing through his hair, coming to a rest at base of his neck, and a familiar trail of goosebumps tingles at where the nape of it meets his spine. It’s snug and comfortable all over. Seungyoon traces patterns on the top of his head and all he thinks of is the growing heaviness on his eyelids.

 

"I'm sleepy," he mumbles into Seungyoon's shirt.

 

Seungyoon's hand come to a stall.

 

"Go to sleep. I'll see you tonight."

 

And just like that, the warmth surrounding Jinwoo disappears as Seungyoon pulls away. His own arms suddenly feel too long for just himself. He lets them hang by his side.

 

He knows tonight means 4am and most times, an injured Seungyoon stumbling through the doors delirious from adrenaline and pain. And Jinwoo will rub sleep from his eyes and try to fix him up the best he can, gritting his teeth through the blood.

 

For now, Jinwoo lets him go. He doesn't tell Seungyoon to stay safe because he knows he won't. But neither does he tell him to come home afterwards, because he knows, no matter how late it may get, Seungyoon will.

 

\- -

_And for what comes after the end--_

Jinwoo is good at waiting. Good at thinking of the best, good at holding out. It’s what got him through the worst, and it's what's going to get him through even worse.

 

It’s just that everything’s different with Seungyoon. With Seungyoon, he doesn’t hope for the best. He doesn’t hope for anything because something that means as much as this can't even be held in something as fragile as hope. So Jinwoo goes through every day, not hoping, not thinking. Occasionally he traces the line across his neck which Seungyoon leaves so often.   


And then, without warning, a sign out of the blue. 

 

_need to see you.last_

 

The message, hardly making sense, somehow clicks into place in Jinwoo’s head. He doesn’t recognise the number, hardly recognises the words, but recognises Seungyoon’s fingers typing them out, somewhere out there. Somewhere out there... alive. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest it hurts.

 

“Where are you,” he yells into the receiver as soon as the dial tone stops. “Where the fuck are you.”

 

Silence, and then a small sound. “--was afraid. You wouldn’t pick up.”

 

“Where.” Jinwoo bites out. He strains to hear the reply.

 

“Do you remember the place we spent the first night?”

 

Jinwoo pauses. He remembers exactly. At once, everything he tried to keep packed away the last few months seeps back into his consciousness: the way Seungyoon drove for miles and finally stopped in the middle of the highway next to a field of wildflowers, how the night breeze was sticky as Jinwoo drifted off into a fitful sleep, with the comforting weight of Seungyoon’s fingers in his hair.

 

Tears prickles the corners of his eyes. “I’m coming. Wait for me, I’m coming.”

 

In a strange fog, he finds himself in a stranger’s car speeding down the familiar high road. From a distance, quickly approaching the wildflowers, he spots the sickly dark metallic sheen of Seungyoon’s green chevy. It’s empty.

 

Swerving to a stop, Jinwoo scrambles out of the driver seat. _Where is he--_

 

A rustle on the ground catches his attention and dumbly, he falls to his knees. _The first aid kit is under the sink, it takes five minutes to be ready to stitch up wounds, two maybe, they should have enough painkillers from the last time and enough thread--_

 

“--Seungyoon,” he chokes out. Surrounded by a scattering of flowers, Seungyoon lies sprawled and bleeding. His eyes are closed as he leans his head to the left, slightly.

 

But they’re not at home, no longer have a home, and this isn’t like all those times, and Jinwoo will not be able to fix Seungyoon for once. Jinwoo tries to staunch the gaping hole in Seungyoon’s side, but his hands feel pathetically empty.

 

“-There isn’t--can you-” Jinwoo chokes out, everything he needs to say colliding with what he wants to. “Can you just hold on a while-” He’s fumbling in his pocket to get to his phone.

 

“Always afraid of me-dying,” Seungyoon says, cracking open his eyes, a laugh bubbling in his throat. Or tries to, at least. Jinwoo is sure Seungyoon is trying to say more, needs to say more, and the hand on his phone slippery and his grip is getting looser by the second. Is Seungyoon just going to slip away from him like that--

 

His left hand finds itself carding through the younger boy’s hair, matted with sweat and stained red. He settles for a space behind one of Seungyoon’s ear.

 

“Sorry,” Jinwoo says thickly. He’s cried enough for Seungyoon so he’s not crying now, he thinks, but he’s not sure why his vision is blurring over either. Heat radiates from the gravel to burn his knees through his jeans.

 

“Why are you apologising…” Seungyoon says, slowly.

 

“Don’t be mad,” Jinwoo says before he realises it, out of habit. He stops. And then, he’s shouting.

 

“I’m angry, I’m the one who’s angry,” he’s yelling. Seungyoon doesn’t flinch, doesn’t seem to have the energy to flinch.

 

“I’m angry,” Jinwoo thinks he shouts. It might be getting a bit hard to breathe. His phone he’s already dropped on ground, forgotten, and his free hand curls into a fist in Seungyoon’s shirt. He’s shaking Seungyoon and he’s not sure why; Seungyoon’s eyes glaze over.

 

“--Love you, Jinwoo.” Seungyoon’s grinning, but his eyes are wet. “Love you very fucking much… Kim Jinwoo.”

 

“Shut up- shut the fuck up- Yoon,” Jinwoo breathes, weakly slapping Seungyoon head as he does so. “Just...please…”

 

“This was stupid, huh,” Seungyoon wheezes. “This was probably very stupid.”

 

Jinwoo isn’t sure what he’s referring to anymore. “You’re very hurt. I think I need to call someone,” Jinwoo’s mind is a mess of conflicting commands. Someone, he should probably do something, but now Seungyoon is warm and safe and his--

 

“Run away,” Seungyoon says, looking at him clearly all of a sudden. “You have to leave, you hear me? You can’t let them find you back at home. There’s something in the car for you, take it and run, you hear me?”

 

The sun is starting to set, and as Jinwoo watches Seungyoon slowly close his eyes again, he thinks there’s no prettier way for day to blend into night than watching a star fade into the sky like this.

 

 _I love you too_ , he thinks he says, only his mouth is busy forming _don’t go, don’t go, please don’t go_ , and his hand busy gripping the remaining strength left in Seungyoon’s fingers.

 

As darkness falls and the blinking lights from their cars the only thing breaking up the darkness of the landscape, Jinwoo holds Seungyoon close and breathes him in for the last time. And at last, he digs into Seungyoon’s side until his fingers rest on cold, hard metal.

 

 _The won’t find me at home,_ he promises Seungyoon even as he hugs him tight. _They won’t find me at that home. Because I’m going with you to build a new one._

**Author's Note:**

> started on this ages ago & decided to finish this cause im going through a sort of namsong fatigue at the moment T-;T pls pray for my soul this is my last hell week before exams!!!


End file.
